Barriers - Eating

240.6 lbs.

Not going in the right direction. Did do my aerobics video for 30 minutes last week when it was so cold. Bad week this last week though. Ran out of my lavender essential oil so slept like crap so overate crap. Lavender oil arrived Wednesday and today is the first day I've felt human again.

I'm not having much luck doing even 6 minutes of exercise in the morning on the weekdays. Will keep trying but don't see that as a long term solution to getting that third day of 30 minutes of exercise in. I am glad I'm being consistent in exercising on the weekends.

So, the next step obviously has to be on my eating. So as with exercise, it's time to list out what my barriers are to eating healthy and appropriate amounts.

Sleep

I can throw healthy eating and appropriate amounts out the window if I'm tired. I want fattening, fried, heavy, creamy food. I think it's about getting an energy lift but it is pretty much impossible to overcome. I am hopeful that the lavender essential oil will resolve this and I can focus on other barriers.

Clean Your Plate

My father ate only one meal a day when I was growing up so he was consuming 2000 calories at dinner. Our plates were smaller by comparison but in hindsight we were being served adult size portions as young as 6 or 7, maybe earlier. And we were expected to clean our plates (children are starving in China you know so we can't waste food - as if that would make them any less hungry - how about you BUY less food for us and GIVE the money to feed them but I digress). The end result is that I have a deep seated compulsion to finish every last bite of food on my plate. And not only my plate but every plate on the table! If my daughter doesn't finish her food, I feel the need to finish it for her. You can see why I have a weight problem.

Indeed when my daughter (adopted from China - some kind of irony there) is full, she simply stops eating. I distinctly remembering urging her to eat the last two bites on her plate and her absolutely refusing. Then I realized what I was doing. I let her her stop eating no matter how much is on her plate but I still feel compelled to clean that plate too.

I do better with this when the food is served onto plates from the stove. "Family" style where the food is on the table and everyone helps themselves is a disaster for me. I feel I have to keep eating.

Read something yesterday that floored me - in many cultures if you finish everything on your plate, it is a signal to the hostess that you are still hungry and they will continue to serve you food until you leave some on the plate. Leaving at least one bite on the plate is the signal to the hostess that you are done, you are full, you have been satisfied. The challenge was to to leave one bite of food on your plate at every meal. Doing so, you would automatically lose 5 lbs. a year.

This idea appeals to me. I've struggled with the only eat half of what you are served. Never have been able to do it consistently. Afraid I will be hungry when I won't have food available. But leaving one or two or a few bites? I might be able to do that (though habit will be the enemy). I'll have enjoyed my food. Usually, I'm full when I get to the last few bites but I eat them anyway to be a "good" guest. If I can change being a "good" guest to leaving food on my plate (and everyone else's), I might make some real progress.

Taste

Okay - let's just be honest here - fruits and vegetables raw are just bland. Maybe Edible Arrangement fruits or Harry and David are the exception but most fruits never live up to their potential. By accident you get a good one. Most of the time, you just eat hoping for that juicy fruity goodness we are promised. Veggies raw need at least salt if not dressing or dip. Cooked, they need fat (olive oil, butter, something) and herbs. Cheese is always a welcome complement.

I've decided that in order to get more fruits and veggies in I have to give up the idea of just have an apple for a snack or some carrot sticks. No, not happening. There will at least be some peanut butter with that apple and some ranch with those carrots.

Hassle

Preparing healthy food is work no matter how you look at it. You have to cut the food, you have to dress it somehow. It isn't typically grab and go and even when they try to make it that way, it's messy to eat. You get juice from fruit everywhere. You have water dripping off veggies. Not car food by any stretch of the imagination.

Even making a smoothie in the morning is more trouble than pouring some cereal in a bowl and dumping milk or yogurt on it.

I am going to have accept that I need to take more time on my eating in order to eat healthier.

Summary

So the goal for this month is to keep tiredness at bay and start leaving some food on my plate at each meal. Hopefully, I won't gain this month.

Here we go again

240.2 lbs.

Thanksgiving strikes again. Up 2 lbs. since Thanksgiving day. I've gained up to 7 lbs between Thanksgiving and Christmas before. Would like to do not do that again.

Going to be up against the weather barrier to exercise today. Temp dropped to the 20s. Going to be hard to be motivated to go out walking. Maybe I'll do my aerobics video.

Need the Thanksgiving desserts to disappear (and not into my tummy).

Barriers - Excercise Part 2

237.6 lbs.

Well because there was no school a couple of days this week, I was able to follow my weekend routine and get up, put on my workout clothes, have my coffee and then go for a walk, meaning I got three 30 minute workouts this week plus another 26 minute one. That would have been the 30 minutes except I ran into landscapers and the people barrier kicked in. I wasn't going to stay in that area and since it was and extra workout, I just went home.

I was surprised that my weight was down because I got a cold toward the end of the week and feed a cold, starve a fever kicked in plus not sleeping well and I felt like I was eating more. Extra exercise doesn't usually make that much of a difference for me. Though I'm usually my lowest of the month a week or two before my period starts.

Today was another challenge to my exercise barriers - weather. It was cold (27 degrees). But it was sunny, not windy, not rainy so I put on my coat and went. I should have put on a hat or got a scarf. My ears were froze when I got back. But I pushed through it. The last 10 minutes were hard. If I hadn't been on my way home anyway, I would have turned and come back anyway. The clothes barrier there. I will need a scarf or hat tomorrow. Still I did the 30 minutes. I hope that having defined the barriers now that I will be able to push through, to recognize them and overcome them.

Barriers

240.6 lbs.

So obviously, August and September were not good months for me. I made more of an effort to exercise in October. I was trying for the 30 minutes, 3x a week but only managed 2x a week.

In November, I'm now trying to do 6 minutes Monday - Friday so that I have a total for the week of 90 minutes. First week, I fell short and only did it Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. Managed an extra walk to the park on Friday for a few more minutes.

I should make it this week because the kids are off from school 2 days so I got a walk in this morning.

I realized that at work, we examine programs to determine what the barriers will be to implementing the program because we have found too many times that we come up with a great program that goes nowhere. We are always saying "this would work fabulously if they would only do x,y, and z." We know that we have to address x,y, and z when we roll out or we might as well not bother. So, I decided I need to apply the same idea to my weight.

So here are my barriers to excercise:

People

I hate exercising around other people. This is why gyms and groups and get with a buddy programs don't work for me. It's why I don't exercise at home because my family is always around. The time in my life that I exercised the most was when I was single. I could do an aerobics video when I got home or go for a walk. While I do encounter people when I walk, it's usually brief. However, I know if I find myself essentially walking the same route as someone else, I will cut the walk short. The lack of alone time is a major reason I don't exercise.

Tired

I am not sleeping well and seem to have crushing fatigue most days. Hormones or adrenal fatigue from stress maybe. But it kicks my butt. I wake up tired and can barely go through the motions to get to my morning coffee, which may or may not finally get me going on some kind of normal level. By the end of the day, I'm usually exhausted and barely have energy to do anything more than surf the net.

Time

So I probably have more time than I think, particularly at the end of the day. I run into the other barriers preventing me from doing the exercise.

Clothes

I don't mind changing from jammies into workout clothes. On the weekends, I do that, have my coffee, check my email, go for a walk and then come home and shower and tackle the day. That routine works for me. Unfortunately, it only works on the weekends. On the weekdays, I'm always getting up in the middle of a sleep cycle, dragging myself out of bed to quickly shower and get dressed, make lunches, and finally have my coffee. Getting up early isn't consistently an option. I'm tired when my alarm goes off. I'll be tired if it goes off 45 minutes earlier.

Changing into workout clothes when I get home from work isn't appealing either. I have things to do before I'd have time to workout. Then what am I supposed to do stay in workout clothes until bedtime? Go to bed unshowered? Take another shower? Yeah, that isn't happening.

Weather

I'm a fair weather walker. Too hot and I don't want to do it. Too cold or rainy and I don't want to do it. Too dark out and I don't want to do it. It doesn't take much to stop me. This is however, I think the barrier that is easiest to overcome with a just do it attitude.

Summary

It's pretty clear that consistent exercise is only going to happen for me in the morning. I've been very consistent for the last 6 weeks exercising every morning on the weekends. I've gained 2 pounds over that 6 weeks. I need to see how eating fits into this because I am entering the time of year when I typically gain 5-7 pounds. I think that is a combination of the holiday eating and the fact that I stop exercising even on the weekends because the weather gets bad. GOAL 1 - don't let the weather derail my weekend walking. GOAL 2 - keep trying to get that 6 minutes of stretching, arm circles, running in place, and knee lifts done every weekday.

Need to work on the tiredness. Ordered some Essential Oils to see if that will help with my sleep and my energy. If I could master that, I could get up early enough to do an aerobics video in the morning. Really if I could wake up at 5 am and not be exhausted doing so, I could exercise every morning. Though, I'm not sure a 9 pm bedtime is doable. That's essentially when my kids go to bed. Soon, they will be staying up later.

Struggling

233.6

Did all right for a few days on eating fruits and veggies and did my 30 minutes of exercise 1 day. Then time crunches for a few days put me right back to grab and go food (processed and carbs) and no time or energy for a walk.

Trying again this week.

Time to Give Up?

232.2 lbs.

Was at 231.2 on Friday, even after a BBQ at work so was pretty discouraged this morning. Then I found this TED Talk on Facebook. Not sure now if I am discouraged or encouraged.

I may have to face the fact that I am at this set point of my top baby weight gain, that my body keeps wanting to move me back to it and that is that.

It was encouraging to know that if I adopt all four of the healthy lifestyle choices my risk of death isn't actually any higher than a normal weight person. I already have two (not smoking and drinking in moderation). I believe I can exercise for 30 minutes 3 times a week. It's the 5-7 that I just can't seem to work in. And I am also doing better about eating more fruits and vegetables.

I have often wondered what would happen if I ate what I WANTED instead of what I thought I SHOULD because I usually end up eating more then because I ate what I should but then still had the compulsion to eat what I want.

Do I have the courage to give up dieting? To accept my weight as it is? I know I would be happier if I stopped beating myself up over my weight. Maybe I should just focus on what makes me feel beautiful at THIS weight and enjoying the food I do eat.

Progress

231.8

Hoping for a full pound but indulged the last few days and stopped doing my food log and walking still down is progress.

I notice that I am more consistent at the beginning of the week. About Wednesday, it starts getting away from me and I'm tired of logging my food.

I revised my calorie goal to a 1lb a week goal instead of half a pound because I also notice I tend to go a little over my goal. Hopefully, by revising it down when I go over, I will still hit the calories for half a pound. Would really like a pound a week but I don't have the discipline yet for that.

Been sleeping better but sleeping later in the morning, which is also contributing to my not walking. Still too hot at not.

Really want to get under 230 sooner rather than later but have to be realistic. I probably have 3 weeks at least for that. Sigh. Keep moving.

Post Vacation

232.6 lbs

So I managed to survive vacation and actually lost almost half a pound. Usually I gain 5 pounds over vacation. We only ate out on the way there and way back and once that week. A couple of days of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a small bag of chips for lunches surely helped. Pig out on taco night and homemade ice cream balanced it out. A couple of mile hikes.

Now to hit the grindstone. No more big events for a month. Husband doing low carb diet so means I will too except for fruit. Going back to smoothies for breakfast and salads for lunch. Low carb for dinner. Got my fitness band to get my steps in. Would like to see 2 lbs a week for the next five weeks. We'll see if I can do it.

Hanging in There

233 pounds.

Overall not bad considering it was my birthday week and I ate out a ton plus cake, cupcakes and ice cream.

Got a fitness band for my birthday so hopefully that will motivate me to get up and move more to meet my daily goal.

Now heading into vacation. Once I return it's reset (yes, again) and get better about doing a food log. Still need to find some kind of exercise to do when it's too yucky outside and too hot inside.

Heat and Celebrations

On July 6, I was down about 1.5 pounds to 228.2. Did a food journal for about 3 days of the week, which does help with knowing how much you are actually consuming. The My Fitness Pal app does make it a little easier since it can scan bar codes and the website can pull in items from an online recipe. But then it was a baseball game and 4th of July. Might have been better if not for that.

But then the heat came 85+ degrees, which means no sleep until late in the morning and sleeping in past my walking time. Absolutely no exercise since July 4th. And a couple of family celebrations meant lots of eating out, leftover restaurant food for lunch, cake and ice cream. Hot days meant runs to Sonic for summer drinks. Yeah, up to 232.4 this week.

My birthday and vacation is coming up in the next 2 weeks so I need to do well this week, even with temps approaching 100 for the week. Did get a walk in this week. Need to load up the fruit infuser so I drink water instead of sodas and slushes and shakes.

Arggh!

229.8 lbs.

I thought I had been doing pretty good. Exercised every day. Thought I was doing better on eating. Thought I'd at least have stayed the same. Pigged out on pizza for dinner tonight.

Think I'm going to have to try the dreaded food log.

Very disappointed. Very discouraged. Don't want to even try. 4th of July is coming, birthdays, Walla Walla Onion Rings at Burgerville, vacation. What's the point?

Sigh.

Up then Down

Last weekend was busy with celebrations so didn't get to post my weight. It was 229.6 so not good but not unexpected after a weekend of celebrating my husband's birthday and Father's Day.

This week went a little better as I'm at 228.2. So had I not lost ground last week, I'd be in better shape. Will have to see if I can make serious progress this week before 4th of July and my daughter's birthday hit.

With early morning run to drop my daughter off to camp, it will be challenging to get the morning walk in. Am going to have to be more purposeful about that. I also still need to work on the snacking. Doing a little better on the after evening snacking but it's still happening 3-4 times a week.

It does feel like if I don't pay attention, habit just kicks in. And I am resisting having to think about it all the time but new habits have to be developed if I don't want to have to think about it all the time. I guess that's the exhausting part.

End of Week 1

227 pounds so down 1.8 pounds.

Not bad considering I haven't exercised at all this week and I haven't had one night where I did not eat after dinner. I did do better not eating after dinner. Only had one night where I really was eating constantly and that was because I was trying to stay awake to get something done. The other nights I had a couple of squares of dark chocolate.

I have discovered that milk chocolate just leaves you wanting more but that I will eat less of dark chocolate. It satisfies the chocolate and sweet craving without kicking it into overdrive. And dark chocolate is supposed to be good for you.

I did notice that several days I ate larger portions at lunch and dinner in my typical preventative eating habit since I was planning on not snacking.

Playing games on my tablet while watching TV hasn't helped. It distracts me to much. I have realized as it is getting hotter that I think I am more thirsty than hungry at night. Still playing with flavors with my fruit infuser pitcher. Didn't like pears at all. Cucumbers only good the first day. Going to have to go with more traditional ones like oranges and lemons and strawberries.

Birthday and Father's Day next weekend so need to get my pound down before then and maintain through the weekend.

June 1 - Starting Over

228.6 pounds

Uggh. Basically regained all the weight I had lost last year.

I have realized that I've spent a lot of time in the last few months lamenting at work how people just don't do what they know they have to do to be successful and then it dawned on me that I am doing the same about losing weight. I know how to lose weight but I'm just not doing what I know I need to do to be successful - eat less, exercise more. It's really that simple. All the diets in the world are designed to somehow trick us into CHOOSING to do what we know we need to do. It is all about motivation - until I WANT to eat less and exercise more, I won't permanently choose to do it and I will always just regain the weight.

Much of my eating is habit, ingrained over the years. I know most of the time, I'm not actually hungry. So, I have to dismantle the habit and maybe then I can consistently choose something else.

First up is eating after dinner. I usually eat larger portions at dinner (habit from growing up) so there really isn't any reason for me to be eating at 9 or 10 pm. But it's habit to sit in front of the TV and eat. It's so much of a habit that it's a compulsion - it seems almost wrong not to eat. I think I need to find something else to do with my hands while I'm watching TV. First plan is to break out my tablet and plan some inane game.

My goal is 15 pounds in 15 weeks. On my son's birthday 9/14/14 I want to weigh 223.6.

Nighttime - Not

Day one blew the no nighttime eating. Haven't managed it all week. Doing all right throughout the days for the most part but as soon as everyone is off to bed, I'm on a mission to eat. I've noticed the thoughts of what I can have start as the kids are getting ready for bed so no wonder I'm done by the time the opportunity arises. The thoughts have been consuming me long before the time arrives.

I've also realized that this is the my most unproductive time. I channel surf, watching mediocre TV at best. I eat. Maybe surf the internet. First order of business on this journey has got to be changing up my nighttime routine. There's plenty I could do, which would actually make me feel more accomplished. I can clean. I can read. I can exercise. I can pray. I can work on my scrapbooks. Pay bills. Why? Why don't I do any of those better things? Why do I feel so compelled to be a couch potato eating everything in sight?

Habit I suppose. That's certainly how I spent my youth and early adulthood (hence why I have a weight problem).

So I guess I will try planning my activity for the night instead of letting habit rule the night. Since exercise is necessary to lose weight, I need to work on that. There is no other time in my schedule, all year round that I can consistently exercise. So that seems like the best choice.

End of Day One

Eating

So far so good. Made it through the main part of the day with what I consider acceptable choices:

• Breakfast - Peanut Butter Toast and Coffee - probably 400 calories
• Lunch - Tuna Salad Stuffed Orange Pepper - also about 400 calories
• Snack - Cajun Peanuts - about 100 calories
• Dinner - Papa Murphy's DeLite Hawaiian Pizza and Cheesy Bread and Marinara sauce with root beer - around 600 calories

So if I can manage not to eat anything more before going to bed (the next big challenge), I consumed about 1500 calories, which is right on target for a healthy weight loss.

Exercise

My husband has lost consistently over the last four months doing a low-carb, no sugar diet and walking many miles everyday. He is far more disciplined than I am about the exercising. Even though he walked nearly 13 miles this morning, he is implementing a family walk after dinner now that the weather is better and it is lighter later. We walked 1.8 miles this evening. About 190 calories burned.

I usually do better with walking during the spring and summer and then totally bail in fall/winter and that is when I gain all my weight back. Typically in November and December (holidays don't help with that).

That means I either have to lose enough in the spring/summer to account for gaining half of it back or I have to figure out some other exercise I can do for the dark half of the year.

Nightime 

I often consume as many calories after everyone else has gone to bed as I do all day. That has got to stop. I know it's not really hunger but it will look like it. Sitting down in front of the TV is definitely a trigger. Must break that routine. Today is a good day to begin because I've hit all my other targets. It is always more tempting to blow it at night if I've already blown it during the day. But I could put today in the win column if I don't blow it so that's the goal.

Beginning

This is my journey to get off the the yo-yo dieting and lose weight permanently. I am 5 feet 2 inches tall and I weight 224.6 lbs as of this morning. I have high blood pressure. I am nearly 48 years old.

I'm tired...tired of failing, tired of false hopes, tired of rolling the same stone up the hill only to have it roll back down as soon as I reach the top.

I've learned a lot about what doesn't work for me. I have some idea of what will work. Now is the time to put it into practice, inch by inch, step by step.

What I've learned about losing weight:

• It won't be fast. Not even 2 lbs a week. I've never lost that much consistently EVER even when I was eating one meal and one snack a day and exercising two hours a day. 1 lb a week is the best I will see. More likely 1/2 a lb to 3/4 of a lb.
• I will not ever be able to stick to a restrictive diet. Do not taste this, do not touch this won't work for me long term. It barely works short term. I often can't stick to a "plan" for more than one meal. I've got to learn how to eat less of what I normally eat.
• I have to exercise. Even on restrictive diets, I don't lose unless I add some exercise. Sitting around all day just will not get it done.
• I have to find a consistent time to exercise every day. Trying to fit it in when I can usually means it doesn't happen. If it's part of my routine, it will happen because it breaks my routine if I don't do it. Exercise just needs to be as automatic as possible.

I am hoping by journaling, I will be more accountable to myself about what is and isn't working for me.